On the tenth day of gratitude, I am grateful for my faith.
I think everyone needs something to believe in, whatever that something may be.
Love. Stars. Science. Religion. Gods. God.
Growing up, faith was an integral part of my family. I don't ever remember a time when I didn't believe in God. Over the years, there were times that when my faith waivered a little and sometimes there were even difficult questions about God, but ultimately I always believed.
That is until 2018, when I became chronically ill.
At first I accepted the condition and thought that in order to get better, I somehow just needed to pray harder. Then, I thought there might be some miraculous healing, like in biblical times. Unfortunately that didn't happen either. Eventually I received a permanent diagnosis. I was never going to get better. It was then that I became really angry and turned my back on God. How could God do that to me? And why?
But here was the dilemma, I found it was much harder, at least for me, not to believe.
So, with what little faith I had left, every time the vertigo spells came, and I was brought to my knees, literally and figuratively - I started to pray. And through those weak, tearful, earnest and heartfelt prayers...I began to have a real sense of peace.
Peace in the midst of the storm.
Yes, I still have questions, but I've come to realize, there are some questions that will never be answered in this life.
All I know is this - on my really tough days, when I'm so ill, spinning and dizzy and it feels like my whole world is falling apart. When everything that can be shaken, is shaken and everything that can be taken, is taken, I'm left holding on to the one thing that keeps me rooted, grounded and anchored. I hold on to my faith.
And for that I am grateful.
(Psalm 56 vs 3....When I am afraid, I will trust in you...)
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