A Forced Pause.

 I've struggled to find an accurate term to describe this current stage of my life with chronic illness due to Vestibular Neuritis. At first I called it my 'Healthy Life Hiatus'. Then I started to refer to it as my 'Sudden and Unexpected Early Retirement'. While both of these are fairly good descriptions, I recently read a book by Christy Burns and the title of the book seemed to fit my status completely. It's called 'A Forced Pause'.

When I first became ill, it felt like the universe had somehow pressed a pause button and my life was put on hold. All I wanted to do was get better and press the play button so that life could resume again and I would just pick up where I left off. I spent a lot of time grieving my old life and everything that I'd lost, which I suppose is natural and even necessary. But I also spent way too much time worrying about the future and the long term prognosis of my condition. All that the rewinding and fast forwarding did, was stop me from focusing on the present moment. I now realize that there
is so much I can actively do, right now, in this slow season of rehabilitation, readjustment and recovery.

 Joining some of the vestibular support groups on Facebook has helped relieve some of the lonlieness and isolation I felt with this condition. I personally didn't know anyone with chronic dizziness and my doctors didn't seem to know what support I would need after my diagnosis. In fact doctors have been quite dismissive with a 'go home and be dizzy' attitude. My family, on the other hand, have been wonderful, as have some of my friends, but getting to know people who have to with live my symptoms on a daily basis  has been the real game changer. This led to finding out about VeDA, the organization for Vestibular Disorders. They provide lots of support, information, articles and resources. This has been instrumental in moving forward.

I had to do a hard reset. Learn what my new limitations are and find new strengths, hobbies and  interests. Set some new goals and dream new dreams. Stay positive, remain active and make self care a priority. Some days I achieve everything I set out to do. Other days I can barely get out of my pajamas, but that's what happens when you're in a forced pause, recovery is not always linear. Sometimes it's two steps forward, one step back. Stop and restart. Relapses and setbacks. And all of it is okay.

While I can't control this pause, I can certainly control how I respond to it. In the beginning I was very depressed and I distinctly remember having a phone conversation with my sister who was trying so hard to cheer me up and brighten my day. But I was wanted none of it. I was having a pity party and she wasn't invited. When we finished our conversation, I was actually smiling and laughing at some of the things she said. I realized you can smile with chronic illness and even laugh. I still acknowledge my pain, but have given myself permission to enjoy living again.  Now, I can't change the misery of the dizzy days and I still have them, but I can certainly change how I react to them.

I'm so inspired by some of the stories shared by people within my support groups. They have helped me to see that I can not only survive, but also thrive with this condition. It's true that chronic illness has changed me. But some of the changes are definitely for the better. I'm actually growing as a result of this. It is my hope that my blog is a reflection of this new growth.

And there are some days that all of this just becomes a bit unbearable. The days when the dizziness is relentless and you just want to give up. Tha'ts where my faith in God comes in. On the really tough days, my faith is all I have to lean on.

(Psalm 46:10 "Be still (pause) and know that I am God". Psalm 62:5 "My soul, wait silently (pause) for God alone. For my expectation is from Him".)

So even though my life has been turned upside down, I have to trust that somehow it will all be okay. Even during this season of slow that I call 'A Forced Pause".

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