Thou Shalt Not Smile.

Uh-oh. It seems that I inadvertantly broke one of the Ten Chronic Illness Commandments the other day.

Thou. Shalt. Not. Smile.

I'm actually being a little sarcastic here. There aren't any Chronic Illness Commandments. Are there?

Recently I asked a non dizzy, social media savvy friend of mine, to take a look at my Facebook page.  I'm doing a bit of an overhaul and I valued her imput. After spending some time looking at my page, she called and said...."I think you might be smiling a little too much in your pictures", to which I replied "Doesn't everybody smile in their pictures?" I mean with the exception of your passport or a mugshot, aren't you supposed to smile in pictures? 

She went on to say that I could be 'misrepresenting' my vestibular disorder and doing a 'disservice' to the chronic illness community by smiling too much. 

Wait, what? Am I?

She concluded "you might want to show yourself looking a little bit sicker..."

Whoa. Okay, that's where I have to draw the line.

Now, while I wholeheartedly agree with her on some level - people do need to 'see' how bad this illness can be, I definately will not be making myself look sick just to convince people that I have an invisible disabilty. 

When we smile, people don't see that we're suffering.

I know there are quite a few chronic illness pages where people will post a picture of themselves on a bad day looking absolutely dreadful. And it's true that these pictures send a very strong and powerful message about how awful and debilitating this disorder can be. However, I personally do not wish to post pictures like this, for a couple of reasons:-

Firstly, when some people are sick, they actually look sick. I don't. Ever. Even on my worst days I don't look that bad. This disorder is invisible for all of us, but my dark brown skin tone adds yet another layer of invisibility. I don't turn pale or look washed out when I'm nauseous. I don't get red and flushed when I'm panicked or anxious. I just look the same. This illness does not reflect well on my face.

Secondly, all the people who follow my page are also dizzy too. They have the same bad days that I do and already know how awful it is. I don't think that posting pictures of myself during a flare would  either be inspiring or encouraging to them.

Finally, although I have a public page, I am a private person. I don't believe that everything needs to be posted on social media. People don't need to see the messiest side of my life in order for it to exist. I don't post pictures of my untidy bathroom, disorganized linen closet or garage full of junk either.

So, does a smile send the wrong message?

Perhaps. A smile can be misleading. Some would say that it minimizes the suffering or it suggests that you might be feeling better than you actually are. But does that mean that you should never smile then? The people who need to 'see' your illness in order to believe it, are probably the same ones who will no doubt say that you're faking it when presented with photographic evidence.

But maybe a smile tells another story...

If a woman is smiling while holding her newborn baby, it does not for a minute suggest that she therefore must have had a painfree and easy labour. A marathoner or endurance athlete smiles when crossing the finish line, but that doesn't take away what they had to endure in order to get there. In fact if anything it makes their smile so much sweeter. A smile can be an indication that you went through something that was painful or difficult and came through the other side. A smile can simply be an outward sign of an inner victory. Victory in the face of chronic illness.

All smiles - but both of us really struggled through this marathon.

Living with this disorder is hard. Isn't it enough that we have to have this condition for life without being told not to smile either? When vestibular neuritis forced me to sign the chronic illness agreement in June 2018, I never checked the box in the fine print that said I would agree to never smile again.

This is Facebook. Social media is the place where the majority of us try to show our best side. We take hundreds of vacation pictures and only post the best 12. We take about 10 selfies in order to get the perfect one. Aren't people with a chronic illness allowed to do that too? Can't we document our successes and healing without it being misinterpreted? There aren't that many pictures on my camera roll where I am smiling between 2018 and 2019, because I was so depressed and so very ill.  But last year I turned a corner and saw something in the distance...

...what I saw was hope - and that made me smile.

*And if you need evidence that I'm not always smiling you can read this post or this post*