Running On Empty

 I'm tired. Really tired.

Actually not just tired - more like exhausted.

No, strike that. I'm drained.

Seriously drained.

These days I seem to drain faster than a collander drains vegetables. Faster than my sons university fees drain my bank account. Faster than the battery in my (now ancient) iPhone 8.

Now you're probably thinking that I'm one of those low energy/low motivation, sedentary type of people, but that couldn't be further from the truth. 

Fit in my 50's

This was me - quite recently too. This picture was taken in the fall of 2017.

At age 51, I was the fittest I'd ever been in my entire life. I had a successful running season and had just run my fastest marathon. I used to wake up at 4 o'clock (the early one) and run 6 miles before going to the gym. Then I would go to the gym and work out for an hour and a half before going to work. Then I would go to my full time job in a Kindergarten classroom and work with 30 children, under the age of five. I'll say that again slowly - Thirty. Children. U.N.D.E.R. Five. Years. Of. Age.  

After work on some evenings, I would go for a second run, if it was peak week of marathon training. Other evenings I would go to a  Zumba class. Energy? I had it, and lots to spare. I even made the Energizer Bunny look like a sloth.

But that was then. 

Then came a back injury, followed six months later by a vestibular disorder.

Today, I hardly recognize the woman in the picture above. And I certainly don't remember ever feeling like I did then. I just don't remember what it feels like to have a fully charged battery anymore. I wake up at about 50% and then use the remainder by about lunchtime.

This has perhaps been the hardest thing to come to terms with. The constant fatigue and lack of energy. I seem to go to bed tired and wake up just as tired, if not more so. And it's not due to a poor diet or lack of supplements either. I even tried a Red Bull the other day, and all that did was make me more dizzy. I think  the real truth is - I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Chronic illness is exhausting. I don't think it's just a physical thing, this condition is emotionally draining. The symptoms are tiring, but it's equally tiring knowing that I won't ever get better.

 So I've just renewed my gym membership in the hopes that the physical activity will be energizing in some way.

Now please don't think that I'm being a Debbie Downer. That's not me. Quite the contrary. I'm normally a pretty positive person by nature. I can spread positivity around like a five year old spreads glitter on a homemade Christmas card. Except my glue stick has dried up and I'm all out of glitter! So there you go. Today tiredness wins.

However, as tired as I may feel, I do like to end each post on a positive note, so perhaps I'll just leave it at this...

I'll try again tomorrow.